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Wednesday, 12 October 2011

  • High school

    This isn't high school. High School has been over for me for quite a few years now and there is no amount of money you could pay me to go back.

    I work with children. Literal children and people who have the maturity of children. I work in a day care where the children are taken care of by people fresh out of high school or still in it. Kids raising kids. So each day it's like being back in the horrible space of immaturity that was high school.

    There are clicks and constant gossip and PDA and underhanded cowardly maneuvers. Some days i feel like i'm might just snap. Then i can't help but laugh because i remember that they are children and for them this is normal even right behavior.

    I try to get along with everyone, i know that there are things i don't know and i know that there are things i can't do. I do the best that i can with what i know and where they put me. I try never to make any mistakes but lately that seems like all i do. No matter what i'm wrong, i'm to blame, i'm the scapegoat, i'm the easiest target. If something isn't right- blame her. I'm her.

    So, today i'm asked to train the newest girl and i'm not sure i even know enough yet to train anyone but i do the best i can, i answer her questions, i show her the ropes but how can i tell her the things i don't know--the things i myself don't understand. How to deal with the other staff--how to survive high school.

    I'm feeling my way through--still making mistakes, still trying and failing to maneuver this maze of half questions, the web of friends and enemies and allies. I try not to talk about anyone--hell i try not to talk TO anyone but somehow i still end up in the middle of wars.

    I don't high school- i wish my job wasn't becoming it.

Wednesday, 17 August 2011

  • Decisions decisions

    If you have a sec i would appreciate some feedback..if not this will be a nice little place to weight my options.

    1. I recently quit my job because it was sucking my soul dry and making me loss my will to live so now i'm unemployed again. Should I A. keep looking for a job in the area i currently live (There isn't much offered) B. move in with my cousin to cut expenses and live in an area that might offer more opportunities or C. run crawling back to the horrible job that i quit for a reason and stay there until i do find something better, no matter how long it takes.

    2. A friend of mine asked me to go to this Ice Cream Social this Friday--So my question is What the heck is an ice cream social? And what do you wear to one?

    3. I talked to my friend from college today and we haven't talk in like forever. Things seemed to be going well but we both came to a similar conclusion about life after college..It isn't at all what we had expected and prepared for. What is the logical next step after finishing school? Is it ok to feel a bit lost?

    4. I've been really calm and happy lately...it's like nothing can really bring me down. I have so many things to think about and worry about but somehow even with the stress of loans and bills and decisions and drama I'm still optimistic about the future...--not really a question or a decision just an observation :) So about the above three--any input.

Tuesday, 21 June 2011

  • Statue Update: My muse and other musings.

     I wish I didn't always just run here when things got hard and i needed a place to complain. Honestly, i'd like to go back a read entries here and recall happy times when things were going well in my life. So i'll try to end this with something positive ..
    How long before you can give up on someone you once loved? How long before knowing that you were just a place they went once becomes ok? How long does it take for your mind and your heart to agree that this lost love can no longer hurt you? I'm tired of all this mess i've created in my mind. I wish to clear it away like cobwebs but they are cemented in place and refuse to leave. You hurt me! There, i've finally said it. Are you happy now! I gave you the power and you used it to destroy me and I keep letting you back in just so you can do it again. What we had was good..i thought it was good. I gave you everything i had but here we are. Go on, just say it. I'm not good enough- That's why you avoid me...that's why you don't come around anymore...that why when i need you you can't be bothered. I've wasted years of my life on you and this is what i get in return? I loved you, i trusted you and you abandoned me. My muse, when we started i was so sure we were going places together and when we hit that rhythm oh it was fantastic. You took me places i never imagined i would go. Sure we had our differences and sometimes we needed time apart but i never thought it would end...i knew that just because you were mad the feelings you had for me didn't conveniently go away. But now here it's been months and nothing, not a word. You asshole! Fuck you then. I don't need you, scratch that, I DON'T WANT YOU. You're just a place I went once.

    So, hello. I've been good even if writing has been hard. I've moved into my own place, found a part time job, and made a bunch of new friends. Life is crazy busy and i'm often very stressed but over all i'm extremely happy. I miss this place so i'll try to stop in more often :)

Friday, 22 April 2011

  • I wrote my Will today.

    I finally sat down and wrote my Will today.
    Don't get the wrong idea. I know i'm young and i shouldn't be thinking about the end so near the beginning, and it's not like i have tons of money i want to give to people or lots of valuable possessions that my family members would fight over.
     I wrote my Will because i wanted to have some kind of plan in place; i want my family to know my wishes about what to do. I'm not picky and really i know that funerals are all about the living because the dead are long gone but i did have a few points i wanted to get across. There were things like my internet personality i wanted them to dispatch, people on my contact list to tell and people not to, things i've buried that shouldn't stay buried and that i want them have in the event that i'm not around to give it away.
    Preparing for death is about tying up loose ends..sometimes you never get to say or do the things you want and a Will is just a way to do some of those things
    - find a good guardian for your kids or your dog.
    - What do you want to happen to your reminds- burial...cremation...both?
    - Who gets your beloved books? Baseball cards? CD and DVD collection?
    - What do you want to happen to your computer? Your Porn? Your journals dating back to 5th grade?
    - Who do you trust most to follow your instructions? Your Executor.

    I think about this stuff. Maybe because i've had so many people die around me in the last few years but i see what's left of their lives packed into garbage bags and thrown away or donated. I see the vultures who only come around to see what they want to take. I see the things you can discover, the secrets that come out, when the keeper isn't there to keep them. A simple note that says "He may not be the father" An old death certificate that breeds more questions like "If she didn't have a last name and his last name was Anderson...where did Agnew come from?"

    I wrote my Will mainly so i could talk HAHA i wanted a place where i could tell everyone the things i can't say in person like how much i appreciate and love them and how i want them to live after i'm gone. In my Will there are book and movie recommendations :) I give my little brother advice about what i've figured out about life so far. I gave my cat to my friend who is a big animal lover.

    So, friends...when you think about a world without you is there anything you want to leave behind, anything you want done? Have you thought about it? Have you thought about what happens to your digital self when your no longer here to maintain it? Have you thought about your Will yet?      

Thursday, 21 April 2011

  • WOW My best friend had a baby

    My best friend just had another baby!!!! Congrats on your big bouncing baby boy. He is adorable and you are so lucky. I couldn't be happier for you. He looks more like you than the hubby this time :) I can't wait to see him in  person.

    My best friend just had a baby and i just stopped crying. I am so happy for her but this is just one more reminder of all the things i may never do. I won't make this about me...I promised myself that i wouldn't.

    He is 7 pounds...big boy. He has big blue eyes and light brown hair. He's beautiful. And here come the tears again. I may not get to see this one. I may not ever see you again and that makes me feel so alone here...crap i'm doing it again.

    He put you though hell huh? all those hours of labor pains, the swelling, the weight gain...but it's worth it- just look at what you created. Nothing i work at ever yeilds something so wonderful--look at my love life...hell look at my life.

    You are everything i wish i was...you have all the things i wish i had. And what's better you built them for yourself. No one handed you anything, you suffered, alot, at the hands of others to get the life you have now and no one deserves it more.

    I should be asleep but my mind is buzzing trying to figure out your secret, trying to figure out what i must do to have a life like yours one day. The funny thing is i thought i had someone...for a little while...i thought things might finally work out and then it all crumbled at my feet- what a world. Even so...looking at your example, your beautiful baby boy, i have hope that it can happen, and maybe it will.

    Congrats Sis, you are the mom for the job and i love you so much.

angeltears2431

  • Visit angeltears2431's Xanga Site
    • Name: Ms.MaryJack Daniels
    • Birthday: 8/8/1987
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 8/4/2005

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About Me

  • I'm an artist who loves to write. I have been writing since I was in middle school but i have been drawing much longer. I hope to write for a living. Other that that i'm just a normal college student. I hang with friends, watch movies, and enjoy my days.

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  • Duke6932
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